Offensive Driving

Most of the jobs I have held as an adult have required me to drive: I worked in Home Health in the mid-80's, driving into all of Boston's neighborhoods, the projects in Lynn and Charlestown, into Chelsea and Malden and Revere and Medford.  In my first sales job, I covered all six New England states, plus upstate NY and, oh, eastern Canada, including the Maritimes.  Although I did fly on occasion, I spent untold hours on Interstate 90 driving from Boston to Buffalo, and often a little side trip to Toronto.  I have driven in Quebec in snowstorms and I have driven to Presque-Isle, Maine.  Other jobs have had me driving rental cars all over Texas (DFW to Lubbock during a thunderstorm that grounded the plane); in Pittsburgh (where they stop at yield signs and call the shoulder of the road a 'berm' and frown on drivers who pass left-turning cars by using the berm); in Atlanta (where there are not highways, but instead 10 lanes of cars in a parking lot and where there is general panic if something happens, like, say, rain).  I have covered New York City as a territory, where each borough has its own driving style, each a bit more manic that the other.  I would be remiss if I left off my hometown of Philadelphia, where the main thoroughfare into the city from the west is the truly death-defying roadway lovingly renamed the Sure-kill Distressway.

This background and experience makes me, of course, an expert in, not only driving, but also in critiquing the driving habits of everyone else everywhere.  So in this season of interminable gridlock, allow me to offer a few observations.

• Massachusetts recently embarked on a Public Service Announcement campaign by placing LED signs along highways admonishing drivers to "Use Yah Blinkah" (translation: use the directional signal when changing lanes.)  If I had a nickel for every time I have had that thought and even said it aloud to fellow motorists, with a few colorful adjectives added, I probably wouldn't be sitting here blogging about it because I would be in my home in the South of France.
• Yielding.  This is a dichotomous topic, because there are the people who WILL NOT YIELD when there is a lane closure (probably because half the people wanting to merge into the lane will not USE A BLINKAH and they get mad and just tailgate the car in front not letting ANYONE in).  Then there are the people, who possibly grew up in Pittsburgh, who STOP at YIELD signs, a practice which makes me yell things with many colorful adjectives.
• Jake-braking.  Why?  Why would you do that?  You are all hacked off because you perceive that I did something that was offensive to you.  Like driving in a lane of traffic trying to get somewhere.  So, you maneuver ahead of me and then slam on your brakes.  Because if that caused me to hit you, or, more likely, the guy behind me to hit me, then that would be really cool and that would SHOW me.  Really?  Think this one through.
• The opposite of jake-breaking, which is tailgating.  If I am in the left lane and you want to go way faster than I am going because you CAN, I can only merge to the right when there are NO CARS OR TRUCKS IN THE WAY.  I cannot just imagine my car safely to the right so that you can pass me; I actually need to move my car into the lane.  And, BTW, I am probably doing 80 if the speed limit is 65, so you might consider your rate of travel and cost of the speeding ticket.
• Side view mirrors are on cars and trucks for your use when changing lanes or parking in a tight spot or even just STAYING in a lane.  Consider using them.
• Parking lots have designated spaces with LINES and the idea is to put your car or your astoundingly oversized SUV in between TWO  of the lines and parallel to the lines.  If you can't use your side view mirrors to navigate the SUV between two lines, perhaps you should consider downsizing.
• Rear view mirrors are for seeing things behind you, not for make-up application or just gazing at your handsome mug, nor are they for storing your rosary beads and tassel from high school graduation ten years ago.  Consider using the rear view mirror when backing up, so that you don't hit things like other cars or dogs or short, middle-aged, hobbling women.

I am certain that there are more constructive ideas for fellow motorists.  What are yours?