The Annals of the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Morning

I know that you will read this and wonder what the aitch ee double hockey sticks is wrong with me.  Because I know that you are able to get yourself and your kids out the door without having it look or sound like Army Basic Training.  But for me, this is a pretty routine morning and this morning was even worse than most.  Forthwith:

• The small kid wakes up at 0600, crawls into my bed, demands things that I do not immediately produce, so he wakes his dad instead and continues this until his demands are met
• Please note that the smaller child is almost eight and is physically able to produce most of these things (juice, cereal) himself, however, he loves an audience
• At 0730, I drag older kid from his bed.  He comes downstairs and immediately jumps on the computer to look at his Fantasy Football team.  It is Friday morning and none of his players played in any Thursday night games.
• 0735: tell older kid to come into kitchen and eat breakfast
• 0740: tell younger kid to get dressed because he has finished breakfast
• 0745: tell older kid that he cannot watch SpongeBob in the morning because it has a strange hypnotic power over him and we have agreed that there can be no watching of the Sponge on school mornings because of the strange hypnotic power.
• 0747: tell younger kid to get dressed.  Tell him it's cold outside.
• 0748: tell older kid to turn off SpongeBob
• 0750: younger kid presents with the flimsiest of shorts and a very rumpled t-shidt that may or may not have holes in it.  When questioned about his clothing choice, he tells me that he has gym today.
• 0751: locate remote for the teevee and turn off SpongeBob
• 0752: tell older kid to finish toast. Remind him that he has to fill out math and reading logs and place them in his folder and place the folder in the backpack; get dressed; and brush his teeth.
• 0755: tell younger kid to fill out reading log and place folder in backpack and to brush teeth and then put on shoes
• 0800: older kid is calmly sorting through a laundry basket because he needs the orange 'elite' socks.  Tell him to get two matching socks, a shirt, and pants and to get dressed.
• 0810: older kid is dressed in shorts and wearing orange elite socks.  He cannot find his math log.
• 0815: younger kid is outside playing in mud or some other dirty substance.  Tell him to brush his teeth.
• 0817: tell younger kid to come in and brush his teeth.  Tell older kid to complete his logs and put them in his folder in his backpack and to brush his teeth and to put on his shoes.
• 0818: Give the two minute warning.
• 0821: older kid is calmly and patiently drawing a very detailed math log on a sheet of paper because he cannot find his math log.  
• 0822: tell older kid to brush his teeth, put his logs in his folder, put his folder in his backpack, put on his shoes, get a hoodie and get OUT THE DOOR to walk to school, which has EARLY RELEASE today
• 0823: older kid tells me that none of this is done because I am yelling at him and so he can't get any of it done and it would all be done if I wasn't yelling at him
• 0824: I yell some more.  I am not proud of this.
• 0825: younger kid, trying to be delightful and helpful, tells me that he packed his own snack.  I realize that I have not packed the snacks.  I yell again.
• 0826: older kid is now sobbing.
• 0827: younger kid, who is usually the one who is in trouble, is basking in the fact that he actually DOES have his shoes on, his logs in his folder, his teeth brushed, and his clothes on.
• 0828: leave to watch younger kid walk to end of road while older kid tries to compose himself.  Older kid is yelling that this is ALL MY FAULT for yelling.
• 0829: older kid comes out.  I make him stop and shake my hand so that we can part friends. He refuses. I tell him to consider the repercussions of his actions. He gives in and grudgingly shakes my hand, then turns and walks to school.
• 0835: I get into car, push the ignition, and the coolant light comes on and flashes and tells me to CONSULT THE SERVICE MANUAL.  I drive to the VW Service Center instead.
• 0915: VW calls me to tell me that it will cost $800 to fix the Things.
• 0930: Walk to Darling Husband's place of work to get his car to drive home.
• 0945: cancel appointment with customer; reschedule for Monday, then realize that there is no school on Monday and I only have a place to put the kids for 3 hours in the morning.
• 0950: Wonder how much gin is left in the cupboard.